


regrets

by goblinthusiast



Series: phoenix scott drabbles [1]
Category: Marvel 616, X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: Avengers vs X-men, Canon Compliant, Fluent Timeline, Gen, Internal Monologue, Phoenix!Scott, also Yes I Do Have A Special Interest And I Do Write About It All The Time, hrm. hrm. marvel hire me you cowards, hrmm i love him, i care more about scott and his consistent and accurate characterization, i just. clutches heart. love him so much, than the writers do, the next fic i post wont be about this era i promise sdfjsdjklsdf, this is a modified rp drabble i did over on @qvartzes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-10
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-11-15 02:42:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18065039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goblinthusiast/pseuds/goblinthusiast
Summary: scott and the phoenix are like two sides of the same coin, aren't they? a slowly spinning coin whose sides blend into one, and soon, there's not much left to separate the two.





	regrets

**Author's Note:**

> wrow i love scott summers thanks for coming to my ted talk

Sometimes, Scott says things he regrets.

 

The Phoenix has no regrets, and this scares him.

 

Gone is any semblance of boundaries, of inner privacy - he is the Phoenix and the Phoenix is him. His mindscape is a slowly-blackening field, all its buildings gone, all its flora and fauna extinct. What’s left is the burnt-up scraps of his psyche that he clings to while he tries his damndest to stay in control.

 

He doesn’t want to manipulate Xavier. He doesn’t want to hurt Logan. He doesn’t want to fight the Avengers ( although it’d be nice if Captain America would just step off ). He doesn’t want to kill anyone. All he wants is for his people to be safe for the first time in his lifetime, in their lifetimes, in anyone’s lifetime. That’s why he accepted the Phoenix in the first place, isn’t it?

 

But the Phoenix craves destruction. And he is the Phoenix and the Phoenix is him. Thus, it must be _Scott_ who craves that devastation as well. (Is it? It’s getting so hard to tell these days.)

 

Scott wants to apologize. Well, he _thinks_ he wants to apologize, but the Phoenix doesn’t want to. The Phoenix never apologizes, because it’s never wrong. Correction: _he’s_ never wrong. That must be true, because Pax Utopia is beautiful; an unending peace for all mutants, with no Avengers to disturb them. They’re doing good things, him and Emma and Namor and Illyana and Pete. The Phoenix is doing good things. They all are. They’re doing it together.

 

There are times where he wishes his mind wasn’t entwined with a cosmic entity so large and so powerful and so scary ( but that’s not true, because the Phoenix is an ally - an ally the likes of which he’s never had before, but that’s only because it’s so powerful, right? ). But right now, it’s overwhelming. He’s existing at a capacity he’s only ever seen in Jean ( Jean, beautiful Jean, wonderful Jean, why did she have to die? This was her gift, not his, this is his curse, yes, it’s a curse, and it hurts to the point where he almost can’t bear it ), and he knows, deep down, that he wasn’t meant to be at this level.

 

First, it’s the Rasputins down, and he can’t help but think to himself ( rather cruelly, and it makes him shudder for a brief moment at how much he’s changed ) that they were inferior hosts. They were bound to lose it. Then it’s Namor, and Scott knows that he and Emma must be next, and they’re getting so unstable that it’s scary in the small part of his brain that hasn’t been scorched by Phoenix fire. Then it’s Emma, and it’s his fault, because he’s torn the power from her, but it’s only because she betrayed him first, and he’s only returning the favor, and he’s not scared, but he’s scared, and it’s so complicated, but it’s not because he’s truly the Phoenix now, he’s infinite, something beyond humankind and beyond mutantkind, an angel of God Herself -

 

And all he can think in the suffocating blackness of his mind is that Lucifer was an angel, too.


End file.
